short story

[spidge]

Once upon a time they all lived happily ever after

[Mark Rink]

Once upon a time they all lived happily ever after

[chris]

i think i just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

[2 of 3]

I love a happy ending.

[little lamb dragonfly]

Once upon a time they all lived happily ever after

Is that you JJS?

[mr h atom]

in part 1, spidge wrote: "once upon a time they all lived happily ever after"....so i did some checking...

it was 4am when i checked into the armbruster arms hotel and got my room...the usual, of course, right by the rear exit, so i could make a clean getaway.
i called up my good friend spidge, he of little note but big heart.

(ring-ring)
'yup'
'spidge, ol' buddy, it's me dink'
there was a slight pause, like a minx sliding up your leg...'wassup, dinx' he weezed.
'i just read your rather mysterious note and i came to check it out'

spidge went unnaturally silent. he was the type to talk forever if you pulled his string: let me tell ya, i'd yanked !
spidge suddenly spit out ' leave it alone, dinx...the coy mandrake knows no venue !' and he hung up on me...

now, i don't know about you, but there's something about a mandrake that just makes my back itch.
now my curiosity was in a bind with nowhere to go.
so i called lola, she of the tri-colored hair and eyes like phosphorous "lola, it's me..dink'

'yes, dinx, how are you?" she purred like a '55 chevy
'fine, toots...have ya heard from spidge ?"

lola made a coughing noise like a dead corpse being turned over by a fat cop..." that turd' she barked ' he owes me money !' the fury in her voice was undeniable, and kinda heartening: if anyone would get me the scoop on my wayward friend, it'd be lola..'listen toots...i'm in a bind...spidge owes me, too, see. and i figure, if we work together on this, we might both make out like bandits.'

lola breathed a sigh of true perturbedness that made my ear tingle ...'oh, very well, dinx...i'll come over and we'll swap stories'
'i'm at the armbruster...y'know the way.'
as i hung up the phone there was a knock at the door...i opened it to see sleazy mike mccanigan, local cop-on-the-take. 'mike, wassup.'

mike looked solemn, like his cat had died and he still had mice: 'hey, dinx...bad news: lolas dead and i'm pretty sure the mandrake is to blame.

'that was quick !' i thought...'come on in, mike, we'll have a drink over lola'

mike tumbled in and sat on the edge of my bed ' kinda cozy in here, huh, dinx'

i got a nervous feeling 'what's all this about a mandrake...i never heard of it'

'not an it' mike grumbled like a broken toaster ' a she...the mandrake is marquessa veronica demandrake...she used to be brother to the queen...until the accident'

'oh, that' now i remembered. i suddenly felt fevered.

mike squinted like a drunken sailor on a island full of nuns... ' y'see, dinx, the mandrake: she likes to be called that now that she runs the numbers for fat jimmy dixon, says it gives her an aura of doom: me, i kinda don't like mandrakes, so it fits: especially if you've seen her naked...anyway...the mandrake has a grip on this side of town that is stronger than a three day constipation about ready to let loose...and she doesn't like competition.'

i looked nervous, like a snake in a voodoo dance ' lola was competition ? i thought she was just a hairdresser ?''
'nah' said mike 'lola knew things, but she was no competition for the mandrake'
i was as puzzled as will shortz ' then why ?'

'when the mandrake was a ..well..man..he dated lola...and since the accident, well lola was saying some unkind things about his...er...her past life'

'like ?'

'like the accident didn't really change much...look, i'm kinda in a bind here...can ya help me out with some info ?'

suddenly...the lights went out...mike squealed like a baby grand being pushed down a flight of twisty stairs.

i grabbed my flashlight and turned it on just a the door flew open...and there stood....

>> end part 2 <<

[efghijiloveyou]

...an angel...only it wasn't an angel- it was the Mandrake. In the dim light, her wavy red hair shimmered and her voice echoed like a brass band in a far-away dream on the edge of the sea. "Now that Mike's outta the way, we can start to unravel the truth, Dinx." As she spoke, cigarette smoke tumbled into the flash light beam. "Outta the way, you say?" I reached for my gun, only I grabbed my passport..."Are you going to kill me with your passport?" she laughed. "Uh, no I, er, I want to take you away with me, baby. Let's go somewhere...we'll go to Paris- just you and me." "What about Spidge?" Indeed...I couldn't just abandon my plans, now could I? "He can take care of himself " I said. " I mean, where is he? Where's Spidge? I have plans for him..." she stubbed her cigarette out in her palm. end of part three

[mr h atom]

as the smoke slowly drifted from her overheated palm, mike stepped out of the shadows and yelled "i ain't so far gone that i don't know you're an imposter !

and he swung a broom at the head of what i thought was the mandrake...it's wig fell off and there stood spidge himself !

'jiminy christmas, spidge, what are you trying to do !' i yelled

but mikes reaction caught me off guard...clearly he did not expect to see spidge under the now very fake, flaming red wig...mike fell to his knees" no...no...no...you're dead...i saw your body...i saw it ..."

spidge looked defiant, like an old car...'na, that was me identical twin brutha, spongespidge...he had to go, he knew too much...and besides, mom always liked him better !'
spidge reached into his dress and pulled out another gun, this one bigger.

'now, mike...prepare to die !"

i smacked spidges hand, the gun tumbled to the floor...going off an hitting the roomservice delivery boy right between the eyes...he fell all over the eggs benedict and bled all over the english muffins...another good meal blown !

'cut it out, spidge..mikes on the take, but he's our friend !' i led them both to the bedroom, then thought better of it: this isn't that kinda story...

we went out on the balcony to cool off. mike looked glum...spidge looked kinda hot in the dress "hay, sailor, wana slip into something more casual? and i pointed to a set of tee shirt, shorts with black socks...

spidge went over and began to change. mike looked the other way, but i knew spidge pretty well...i was looking for the tattoo...the one he got when we were in singapore all those years ago...as spidge slipped off the calico, i went into a rage, jumped up and pushed the imposter off the balcony...he hit the pavement like a tub of melted ice cream...all strawberry and nuts...

mike looked aghast ! 'why...why'd ya kill spidge ?" he bleated

'that wasn't spidge after all...spidge had a tattoo of a two cuddly kittens on his right shoulder...this guy, who must've been spongespidge after all, didn't have any tattoo'

mike looked over the balcony, stray dogs were cleaning the crime scene...' hey, you didn't know spidge took religion and had all those tattoos surgically removed ?"

i suddenly felt all sort of quesy, like a a guy who'd stowed away on the titanic...' we'd better get outta here, the cops'll be here anytime.'

'mike looked glummer than he did six or seven miniparagraphs back ' i am the cops, you dodo..." he began to reach for his handcuffs....

>> end part 4 <<

[efghijiloveyou]

"You know I'm gonna have to take you in, Dinx." said Mike. " I can't let you get away with murder, even accidental-like" "I understand, Mike, just let me get my passport out..." Before Mike knew what hit him, he was dead. And now, I, a double murderer had to find the Mandrake to justify the deaths of Mike and Spidge. end of the end of part four.

[mr h atom]

i walked the lonely streets even lonelier...how does one explain being a double murderer...

suddenly, out of nowhere, a monk in a pink tutu came lept at me like a rabid lemur "death to the heathen aztecs !!!' he yelled, raising a rusty machete..i drew my smith and wesson and blasted his head clean off his shoulders...

...how does one explain being a triple murderer...i was feeling lonely..lost in a great big world where two people can meet, make babies, go on about their business, raise taxes, eat goldfish and swim with sharks all while reading ann rice and drinking wine out of a box...

but what did i know...i was a triple murderer...it weighed heavily on my mind like an elephant .
i knew i had to find the mandrake, but it was no easy task: the streets were filled with mad men, and i only had three bullets left.
i spotted an allnite diner and went inside...fishing for change i reeled in a small piece of paper...where did that come from...i knew i had not put it there, but i thought i recognized the handwriting...

" 11pm sunset grill'

is all it said..i looked up at the sign "sunset grill'...hmmm could be a clue..

i turned to the waitress, who was bussing the far table 'hey, toots, what time is it ?'

the waitress, who had a bigger mustache than my cat diablo, smarted off ' time to get a new dentist, dinx' she raised a large caliber bazooka in my direction and i suddenly knew this was a set-up...outside, big ben struck eleven and i knew my goose was cooked...

the waitress cocked the barrel and sighted me out...i froze like a lamb chop on easter morning " why ya gotta go ruin my new suit, toots' i didged to the left, but her aim was true...'c'mon, toots, i'll leave a big tip, don't worry'... she glimmered thru the haze of her big cuban cigar that dangled from her lips like a watermelon on the edge of niagra falls..' you bet you'll leave a big tip'

i saw her finger press against the metal and knew this was it...my last meal ticket and i gotta get it punched at some low life dive like the sunset grill...sounds like a bad eagles song, only i ain't got don henley singing some dirge fer my sorry life...
just then, the door burst open and in walked ringo starr: i knew ringo from back in the day...he didn't even take time to nod, he just let go with a killer left hook and a pointy-as-heck drumstick flew across the room, hitting the waitress right in the eye !
she fell to her knees, blood gushing ' but, ' she moaned with exasperated pleasure, 'i liked your drumming...' and she collapsed...deader'n jimmy hoffa

'damn', said ringo, 'i can't afford to lose fans like that !" he shook his head, and looked at me ' so, you're looking for the mandrake, right ?'
i was as aghast as a stockholder at a bernie madoff conference..'what do you know of the mandrake, ringo ?"

he glared at me with hard eyes like velvet cake 'everybody who's anybody knows about the mandrake !'

i felt like was out of the loop, but then i realized, i was just like most people, including everyone reading this...so, at least i wasn't alone
ringo sidled up to the bar, and nodded at the bartender..'whiskey'
just then, the door swung open...

>> end part 16<<